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28th March 2002

8:41pm: today
she wore me like a smile
and i smiled back at her
full force
only wanting more...
consumed by a love
so deep
it turned my gray into
gleaming blue-
into bright warm yellow
rain, into the clear
glory of spring...

26th March 2002

"...i hurt myself today, to see if i still feel..."

that song keeps slamming around in my head. maybe that's why this rollercoaster has a line a mile long. maybe it's why i keep riding again and again no matter how sick it makes me... but this feeling in my stomach will soon go away. it always does.
Current Mood: apathetic

24th March 2002

5:22pm: yesterday's tangent
yesterday's writing was merely a tangent.
i was already depressed, so i felt things (everything) on a much deeper level. most of the time i am perfectly allright with the way things are- just sometimes, i'm not. and just sometimes, i understand the allure of masochism...
just sometimes...

last night i had a dream of 2 of the most beautiful creatures i have ever imagined. one was star, whom i speak of frequently, the other girl is one whom i have not met. i will call her pixie. it was interesting that it started out in negativity. star and i were standing at the entrance of a sacred place (somewhere i have journeyed to before, but never seen in waking). pixie and a female friend of hers drive up and pixie jumps out and yells "you're not supposed to be here"! pixie and star stand at a fighting stance glareing at one another, all the while i am trying to push them together. pixie says to me in surprise, "why are you pushing us together, you of all people don't want us to fight". i respond with "actually, i was hoping i would be lucky enough to see you two beautiful females kiss". we all laugh. pixie then says, " i apologize, i didn't realize who you two were at first. i am sworn to protect this place". we enter, and talk for hours, translating the pictures on the walls into poetry. it was the three of us, the fourth was an apprentice of sorts. as we leave, i ask pixie if i will ever meet her. she says she doesn't like "that place" (earth on the dimension people function on), "but maybe". she gives us both a kiss on the lips, goodbye, and i awaken.
Current Mood: content

23rd March 2002

10:22pm: someday you will ache like i ache...
i tried to feel
the lightening in your kiss-
but all i felt was empty.
i wanted for a moment
to be swept away
from the ecstacy and pain
in the center of my being-
so maybe i could understand...
if only i felt anything at all
in the lips,
in the arms of another-
then it would be easy to understand
why my love held someone else
last night...

and the blackness creeps back in,
it always does.
it is as much a part of me
as the heart that pushes life
thru my veins.

passing thru like smoke, this day
like liquid, like light
from a star whose lustre
burned out long ago-
a time traveler leaving
only an illusion of what once was
slipping in
then out again
of this distraction-
above it
until i am able to seperate
from myself
within myself
beside myself
once again.

this cycle
of seasons only bleeds,
this day
into a melancholy

i knew the pain
would gut me like a fisherman's knife...
i chose to feel it anyway.
for that day
holds a love deep enough
to swallow
the pain of this day.
as the emptiness settles into my core,
deep within the pit of my stomach
i taste
the iminent reality
yet again...
in truth
it was only a matter of time...

how silly to think i was in control
of this love-
not prepared for falling
23 stories
to the death of me.
the illusion of flying
betrayed all the truths
i tried to hide from
in that day.

so i wait for the next
day in her arms-
i will feel her
as every day
i feel her despite the pain-
and this day will pass
into another
Current Mood: depressed

19th December 2001

11:02pm: its not the sex - its the passion
not a dream - its a journey
don't fear it - feel it
cant understand it - so i just have to ride it
love is off limits, you know
it will end if you fall in love
you know...
so ride it out
until it ends
you will only break bones
bruise tissue
and FUCKING bloody yourself.
just ride it
until the end of it
and when it's the end of it-
thank the goddess
for letting you behold
such a beautiful creature
for as long as she chooses to let you
behold her...
and KNOW that it was real
even when she goes
even when you cry
4:01pm: i saw such a beautiful scene today. this beautiful tree, sparkling in the sunlight with a background of the most radient blue sky. it's pointy branches made it seem like it had hundreds of outstretched fingers clammoring toward the light. and to the immediate right, there was the moon in it's fifth day of growing, in a crescent opened embracing the tree. beautiful.

18th December 2001

9:58pm: i wrote a poem today - the first one i have ever written from start to finish without rewriting. because i had so much feeling. it rained out of me...
like everything did last night when i felt the tears of my earth mother fall on my face... it was beyond amazing. i felt everything last night - and i know it was real, because she came for me... even if she didn't really - it was equally as real for me. i must not go into the details here, because there is a certain sacredness i feel is not meant to be read by random eyes. all i can say is... how can i ever be the same - and why would i ever wan't to...

17th December 2001

11:57am: i know who i am, damnit. who i always was- and i can be that again. somewhere along the way i just chose to let my fears keep me from seeing what's there. how could i let fear blind me in such a mannor - but then, how can i face my fear... it's been building for so long. it's a key factor i feel. i am very, very old. in fact i think this is my last life in this form. always have - like everything has been building for lifetime upon lifetime - and this is the one. something big is in this one... and i am blocking my own progress. must work hard on that. but for now i must get back to my fake job, in this fake place.
8:00am: haven't written this much in a very long time. but all of a sudden i feel drawn to the paper. i can't stop thinking... fresh inspiration is so beautiful. morganton seems to suck the inspiration right out. there is a portishead song that reminds me of this fine italian chick - the one i met recently. i feel i shouldn't call her by her name because she is a very private person... so i will call her "star".

-- portishead

can anybody see the light
where the morn meets the dew
and the tide rises
did you realize no one can see inside your view
did you realize for why this sight belongs to you

just set aside your fears of life
thru this soul desire

done it warning
done it now
this ain't real
on in this side
6:52am: i dread dragging myself into work today. i dread this town- my life here. i can't help but notice that this weekend has changed my life. when you're somewhere so real, it hurts- right down to the core to know that you have to return to something so fake... and to know you have spent so much time drowning in it rather than getting yourself out of it. to know that you have allowed them to seep in, like a virus contaminating what you are. there are a handful of real people here, but not very many. the theory that a few of us formulated (that morganton is the black hole of the universe), i feel more than ever today. i can literally feel the negative energy that floats over like a black cloud. it makes me want to cry, but i won't, because i feel it would be adding to the already overwhelming mass of sickness here...
how can i feasably ever be the same.

16th December 2001

8:49pm: sometimes god allows you to experience a life altering moment, to remind you of who you really are. it's so easy to get caught up in the stress, frustration, closed mindedness, anger, shallowness- and all else life is full of... that sometimes i forget who i am. that i am not a part of all that. how in the world did i allow myself to shove it all inside me.
this weekend has been the most amazing weekend i have experienced. i met this beautiful, deep, amazing, wonderful, sentient creature. i am awe struck at the energy she radiates. no words for how she makes me feel. but i am afraid to let her in. i am afraid she will see that i am not as beautiful as what she thinks i am.

10th January 2001

12:45am: here we go again...
i feel like i'm trapped in my skin. like what the fuck, i am going in circles. just barely touching the surface. held back by everything i fear. held down by this reality. held in place by a simple thread...

i function under the illusion that every thing's okay. because i have to function. i like to think i've beat it until it all comes crumbling down again. so i have to push things back. and then when i cry over some stupid bullshit i realize that, yes, maybe i am depressed. and i make up my mind that i am stronger than that, that i can make this black hole go away... and it never does. i awaken into the apathy once again.
therapy doesn't help, because i am so good at faking my reality. and i don't believe in having any sort of chemical dependency, over the counter or not. b/c i could surely be on nerve pills and sleeping pills if i did. i just can't pull myself out on my own. so i'll go along pretending everything is okay, until it's not again, then i'll cry, push it back in order to get my fucking self up for work... until it's not okay again.
Current Mood: drained

31st October 2000

10:59pm: it's been awhile
had a really fucked up dream last night. a white horse with completely black eyes was standing in my yard. i had a sword, and tried to kill it. but it intercepted my first blow in it's mouth- i didn't even hurt it. but that made it really mad, so i ran to my room mate's car and it chased us down the road. there was more to the dream, i know, but i just can't remember it. when i woke up (in the middle of the night), i was hysterically scared and upset. but i didn't think about it's symbolism until the next morning. in the revalation prophecy, the white horse is the horse of death. and it especially freaked me out because of the black eyes, like an angel. so the literal interpretation of the dream is that i was fighting death. spooky.
it was on halloween, too- because it was after midnight.
Current Mood: scared

21st September 2000

1:35am: stream of consciousness
all i do is analyze- so many thoughts bounce around on the inside of my brain, screaming-
i feel like i feel too much, a lot of the time. my emotions make everything so fucking difficult. i have always believed that love and pain are one- they balance out equally. the degree that you love someone, is the same degree of pain they can cause you. i wrote a poem the other night, so i guess i will share it:

i put it all away
in a box
under my grandpa's bed
beside the fact
that i never was good enough
just on top of
the stack of shit
my mother left me...
and it stayed there
for awhile
before it started seeping
through the cracks
i made sure i had covered up.

so i built a wall,
stood behind it
and laughed.
nothing has ever broken through
these layers
of cement, brick, and metal.

then came the screams-
for days
upon days,
so i cried LOUDER!
no one would hear them.
and one day they went away...
Current Mood: melancholy

17th September 2000

1:17pm: great weekend
spent the weekend with some good friends- talked about a lot of stuff. it's always nice to see people you haven't seen in awhile...
Current Mood: calm
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